Tiger Woods’s Mistress No. 1 : Rachel Uchitel
Rachel Uchitel — She’s a VIP Nightclub hostess. Her fiancée was killed in the September 11th attack. Judging by this photo, she has mastered the simple art of bending over and parting her lips sexily. Oh, and she was going to hold a press conference where she discussed how Tiger Woods banged her, but then he paid her off with between 1.5 and 3 million dollars.
Tiger Woods’s Mistress No. 2 : Jaimee Grubbs
Jaimee Grubbs — She was a contestant on VH1’s “Tool Academy,” which is a show that I’ve never heard of, but the very name sounds unpleasant. Her primary interests are: (a) Misspelling her own name, and (b) Staring blankly at the camera. Oh, and she sent Tiger Woods IMs like this one — “I will wear you out… when was the last time you got [bleeped].” Presumably “bleeped” is a substitute for a sexy word here, although I’m kind of shy, so mentally I prefer to think that she was asking something innocuous, like, “When was the last time you got AN ADORABLE BABY KITTEN, or A NICE HOME-COOKED MEAL.”
Tiger Woods’s Mistress No. 3 : Kalika Moquin
Kalika Moquin — She’s a VIP Nightclub something or other, just like Girl #1, which is boring. And boringly, or “classily,” if you prefer, she refuses to talk about banging Tiger Woods. You can be her friend on MySpace though, if you want! Alternately, you could take a ride on a magical time machine back to the year 2003, which is the last time that anyone really cared about MySpace. On the whole, Kalika is so uninteresting that it almost makes me want to talk about golf instead.
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